Monday, July 18, 2011

Film Corner!

[Trigger warning for rape culture, exploitation, violence.]

Jason Batman is like Ben Stiller and Dane Cook rolled into one giant garbage disaster: He's got all the ├╝berdouche taste in material of Dane Cook, plus the No-Doz fueled work ethic of Ben Stiller (who, it should be noted, also chooses an excessive number of awful projects).

"I have got to be in EVERYTHING, and make sure ALL OF IT IS GARBAGE!"—Jason Batman's memo to his agent.

Settle down, Jason Batman.

With Horrible Bosses still tops at the box office (USA! USA! USA!), one of the nightmare factories known as The Studios are striking while the barf is hot and rolling out the preview for the next Jason Batman vehicle ("Keep the Jason Batman train a-rolling!"—Hollywood), in which he stars with Ryan The Green Ryan Reynolds Reynolds, as one of two blokes who covet each other's lives and through the magic of simultaneously wishing while peeing in a fountain (seriously), they wake up in each other's bodies.

Behold: The trailer for The Change-Up.


Jason Batman is married to Leslie Mann (who is married in real life to Judd Apatow, who didn't have anything to do with this movie, unless you count being one of the brave trailblazers who took a long look at the film industry ten years ago and thought, "This place could use some more misogyny!") and they have twin babies who cry while their parents are trying to sleep. Leslie Mann says, "It's your turn," and Jason Batman gets up and sleepily walks down the hall and steps on a squeaky toy because no doy this movie is trite garbage.

Bottles. Feeding. Diaper-changing. Jason Batman gets squirted in the face with diarrhea. That baby's butt is the smartest thing in this movie.

Cut to Ryan Reynolds, who is sound asleep in his bachelor pad, until a half-naked lady storms in wanting to have wild sex with him. OBVIOUSLY.

Cue Motown music. Cut to the BFFs at a bar, where Jason Batman asks Ryan Reynolds to "tell me about your women." I make a face which I can only describe as the same terse grin of horrible expectation I made in a dream where I was assassination dispatched to poison a warlord, just as he took his first bite of the beautiful cake I had baked him.

"I have been keeping company with a number of nice ladies," replies Ryan Reynolds, who then regales Jason Batman with stories of women like "Tatiana," whom he has to "make cry first, but it's worth it," and "Brenda," who "wants it in wheelbarrow, Arabian goggles, the Arsenio Hall, the pastrami sandwich..." These are the imaginary names of exotic sexual positions, as conceived by creatively bankrupt jackasses.

Jason Batman says he doesn't even know what those are. "You're married," says Ryan Reynolds. "Good point," says Jason Batman. And NO DOY it is because married people are basically DEAD and therefore DON'T HAVE SEX.

Later, Jason Batman explains to Ryan Reynolds that having babies is difficult because they don't understand the world and lack the ability to communicate their needs in a calm and effective way, which can be frustrating for a parent who loves them and wants to successfully fulfill those sometimes enigmatic needs. HA HA! Just kidding! He says having kids is "like living with mini drug addicts: They're laughing one minute and then they're crying the next, and then they're trying to kill themselves in your bathroom for no good reason. They're very mean and selfish, and they burn through your money..." This rant only ends here because Ryan Reynolds finally stops him.

The two buddies stop to pee in a fountain, because they are disgusting and rude assholes, and they say they envy each other's lives. "I wish I HAD your life," they say in unison. LIGHTNING STRIKES!

Whooooooooooooooooops they shouldn't have been pissing in that wishing well and wishing things, because the next morning, they wake up in each other's bodies!

Cue the zany romp score over a montage of their figuring out what happened. Ryan Reynolds admits he didn't really envy Jason Batman's life: "I was just being polite!" HAR HAR! Oh well, maybe he'll learn that being a family man is something he wants after all! FINGERS CROSSED!

In the meantime, he urges Jason Batman to use his body to get laid and shit. He fixes up Jason Batman with his own secretary, which is confusing, I know, but the whole body switcheroo thing. She doesn't know it's him, which makes the whole thing very creepy! Luckily, as we all know, tricking women is hilarious.

Just in time to remind us that the whole rape culture is hilarious, here comes a scene of Ryan Reynolds telling Jason Batman not to have sex with Jason Batman's wife. (Again, confusing, switcheroo.) He tells his BFF, "If she comes at me like a hurricane, a guy can only withstand so much." WHAT A GREAT FRIEND!

Cut to not-Jason Batman lying in Jason Batman's bed watching Leslie Mann get undressed. "I am going to ruin her!" he says excitedly, which is a very nice and normal thing that men say about women.

Then she sits on the toilet and farts. Reacting to evidence of her humanity, not-Jason Batman gasps, "Oh my god!" and hides under the covers, then shames her for it when she comes to bed.

The End!